I don't know why I felt compelled to blog tonight, because the shooting tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary in Connecticut has left me totally speechless. My heart hurts. I just ache. I don't have any wisdom or special insight to share. I don't really even know how to make sense of it. I just needed to talk about how it made me feel.
We still don't have a TV hooked up out here, so we normally wouldn't have known about something like that for days probably. But we had decided to turn on Light 96.9 to listen to Christmas music while we were doing school that day, and the music was interrupted for breaking news about a school shooting. I felt myself go numb. I thought I was going to puke. The immediate heartache affected me physically. I just sat on the floor and gathered my children around me and held them. We prayed for the victims and their families. I pretty much spent the rest of the afternoon in the floor with them, reading books and holding them and kissing their sweet heads. The laundry and the dishes lost all importance. All that mattered for the day was holding my precious children and thanking God that they were alive. I was so thankful in that moment for the opportunity God had given me to homeschool them, if for no other reason than their physical protection. No, I don't think suddenly that schools are terrible places. I am fully aware that we could walk into Kroger tomorrow, all together as a homeschool family, and one of my children could be shot before my very eyes by a crazed gunman. It's just as likely as them getting shot at school. I'm not trying to say that you should homeschool so your kids won't be shot at school. But I am so thankful that when I heard that news, I was at home with all of my children, and I could look them in the eyes, tell them I loved them, and hold them for the rest of the day. It has helped me keep my perspective this week and view my days at home teaching and training and washing and cooking and wiping noses and changing diapers, as the most blessed position in all the world. There is no more important place that I could be. These are the ordinary days that make up a supremely blessed, extraordinary life. I am thankful for each ordinary day that we are together. Even if I could, I wouldn't change one single thing about my life.
A combination of moving out here to the farm in the middle of nowhere, and of a sickness moving through the family in the last weeks that has demanded that we miss several planned activities, has caused us to slow way down lately. And I'm loving it. I really hope we keep this slow pace. I've had some awesome moments of connection and conversation with my twelve year old. My five year old has read several books to me and we've played Bananagrams countless times. I've held my two and three year olds during their naps and lounged and cuddled and bonded with them a lot. I've had several days where the baby boy just had to be held all day by Momma. I've watched in awe as my extremely capable, reliable man has taken amazing care of his sick family, his new home and land, and his business with such balance and grace. I've reached new levels of intimacy with each of them in the last weeks. And they have gotten closer to each other. We're in a neat place as a family and I want to hold onto it for as long as I can. I know they will be grown and gone in the blink of an eye and I just want to savor each of these kairos moments as they happen. I love these people so much. Each of them is so unique and brings delight to my heart in their own way.