Brian took the girls and me to see The Nutcracker on Saturday. We found ourselves in really good seats on about the fourth row right down the middle, so we had a fantastic view. My girls were mesmerized. They breathed in with amazement the bright colors, exquisite costumes, and delightful music.
When the Snow Queen was on stage, there was a hush throughout the auditorium. She was delicate and graceful. A radiant beauty. A skilled dancer. Every girl in the room wanted to be her. You could just feel it. We were all awed by her presence.
A few moments later, a character I have come to affectionately call The Box Lady appeared. :) If you've never seen The Nutcracker, this dear lady is literally walking around in a huge box. She is bulky and awkward, anything but graceful. When she was on stage, everyone laughed. Gone was the hush of awe. Now we were poking fun at the Box Lady, who opened her box to reveal little children holding lollipops who came out to dance. It was reminiscent of The Old Lady Who Lived in a Shoe, busily scolding and directing her children. I don't think any little girl really wanted to be her.
It spoke to me.
I was talking to Brian a little later about it, and telling him that for many women (including myself!), we want so much to be Snow Queen. We have this idea in our heads that we should be Snow Queen, that the world is expecting us to be her. But in reality we are often Box Lady. And we feel we have failed. We feel that instead of lovely and graceful, we are bulky and awkward. That we need to shed the box, learn some skills in the elegance and refinement departments, change this and do that to become more like Snow Queen. His response: "What you don't see is that behind the scenes, Snow Queen is insecure. She feels the pressure to stay slim, to keep in excellent condition, to constantly refine her skills, to stay beautiful and admired. Box Lady is like, 'I'm Box Lady and I'm cool with that.' There is no pretense. She is comfortable with who she is."
And I came to the realization that it is more worthy to go ahead and be Box Lady, to embrace it, to know that your part in The Nutcracker is equally important, to be totally content in that role. I also realized it would be more beneficial to my daughters for me to accept the Box Lady role and cherish it than to constantly be striving for Snow Queen.
I have been asking myself, Why has God in His providence decided that I should be the mother of FIVE daughters? Doesn't He know who I am? All my insecurities? I can't be Snow Queen for my daughters. They see me behind the scenes. They know I can't live up to that. Poor girls, will wish they had Snow Queen for a momma. And in response over the last few days, God has replied to me, I know exactly what I'm doing. I have given you five daughters because though you are weak, I am strong. I will give you the grace to model for them how to embrace who you are, who I have made you to be, no matter your size or appearance. What they will see if you continue to abide in Me, and let My power be evident in your weakness, is a momma who loves and cherishes and relishes her authentic self. And it will inspire them volumes more than if you were Snow Queen.
So I am pressing in to embrace the role that God has divinely placed me in for the time. The role of nurturer, nourisher, teacher, guide. I am asking Him to give me a proper perspective of chronos time (the world's time, measured on clocks and calendars) versus kairos time (measured divinely by eternity- the proper time, the Ecclesiastes 3 kind of time). I am asking Him to make me a woman who is so busy pressing in to know Him, so busy creating rituals and spaces for my family that care for their souls, so busy bringing tidings of comfort and joy, of good cheer and courage, that there is no time left for worrying about Snow Queen.
God give me the wisdom to accept the things I cannot change, to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.