Whew! What a week this has been. As I mentioned in my last post, last week I had help from my mom and Brian's mom. Pretty much all I had to do was keep Rosemary nursed and happy, which new moms know is a full time job by itself. But I had just gotten the hang of that last week when this week began. This week, Brian has gone to work every day as usual, Allie and I have returned to homeschool 3rd grade as usual, and I haven't had any other adult here. I have pretty much run the gamet of highs and lows. I think my hormones are just a tad out of whack. Just a recap:
Monday I was an inch away from throwing in the towel with breastfeeding. Rosemary had rubbed a blister on one side that made me scream and kick from pain every time she latched on. OUCH!!! I talked to a friend who "talked me down from the ledge" so to speak, and got me to thinking level-headed about it again. I worked with Rosemary on her latch a little and started taking my ibuprofen prescription, and was feeling much better by nighttime. :)
Tuesday I convinced myself that Brian was no longer in love with me because he seemed preoccupied. I spent so much of the day worrying about it that once I saw him, all I could do was fight back tears. I do remember this from my previous postpartum stages. There are a few weeks where I need more TLC than any human could possibly give, and when I don't get it I think there is something so wrong with me that no one could possibly love. I know. Pathetic. But it's very real for me. Fortunately there was an upside to Tuesday. A beautiful, sweet teenager at our church who plays the violin beautifully came to visit and encourage Allie in her violin playing. She gave her some great tips and inspired us by playing for us. It was really nice. Also, Brian and I got a sitter for just one hour, and he took just me to see his new office and grab a bite to eat. It was nice. Of course, the whole hour was actually comical now that I look back at it, because if there was a moment or two of silence I was convincing myself in my head that I was boring Brian and he was thinking of how to tell me that he didn't love me anymore. Really, truly pathetic. He was probably thinking about carbeurators or voltage or something. Again I know it's sad, but I'm being honest.
Wednesday was much better with the breastfeeding and I didn't think Brian was trying to run away, but I did feel overwhelmingly, overwhelmed. Like this whole four kids thing was trying to take me over and it was winning. I felt whipped. All day. That was pretty much my Wednesday.
Then I went to the other extreme of feeling unappreciated by Brian. Poor me, I am here all day with the kids and all he can talk about is work. Actually, poor Brian, right? In a few weeks I will be myself again, I promise. . .
Today I have felt joyful at moments (like, the moment I got to take a shower before 5 p.m. and actually shaved my legs! woo hoo!), and terrible at moments (like, the moment my neighbor came over and asked in a very negative, disapproving tone, how in the world I could do a good job of homeschooling while I have three others running around. Let me just say here, and I know the parentheses is getting long, but hear me out: just because everyone doesn't understand does NOT mean that I shouldn't be doing exactly what I'm doing. Please do not "kindly suggest" that I send one or two of them to Mother's Day Out or to public school. That is not what God asked me to do. He never said it would be easy, just that He would get me through it. And He always does.)
So can you feel the emotion?? If I were to keep writing, in a few sentences it would sound very happy. A few sentences later, pathetic. Ahhh, the beauty of hormones. . . :)