Surrender

The last 48 hours have been interesting ones. Brian left at 5 a.m. yesterday morning for work, and didn't get home until almost 7 p.m. Today and most of the next two weeks will be very similar. Thank the Lord he got this wonderful, good-paying job! I'm so proud for him. But, Satan always loves to try to point out the negative, and he's been whispering thoughts in my head like, "You're so tired, and those kids are so needy, and you're feeling overwhelmed. . . " almost like he's performing hypnosis on me. God is so good though and is teaching me so much through this process. I was determined, when Brian got home last night, to have the house immaculately cleaned and a delicious dinner cooking when he walked through the door, to help him relax after a long day of work. And I have to admit, when I have goals like that, 75% of it really is about him, and the other 25% of it is about me wanting to be admired and revered as this amazing wife who juggles all things so well. HA! God saw my heart I guess. I started having pretty severe stomach pains around 10 a.m. that lasted ALL DAY LONG. Honestly at one point I thought I was going to call 911 or ask a neighbor to take me to the emergency room. I had these from time to time with at least my last two pregnancies. I don't think it's really pregnancy related, although it may be aggravated by pregnancy. Something is wrong with my stomach. I've had stomach issues for probably three years now and still haven't gone to the doctor about it. I know, I know. I keep vowing that "as soon as I have this baby" I'll get my own doctor (not an OB-GYN but a family doctor just for me), but I have yet to do it. I think maybe I have an ulcer or IBS or something like that. It's like these sharp, stinging pains all over my belly that truly make it where I can't stand or sit or be comfortable at all. It seems not to affect my babies during pregnancy, just me. Which is a huge blessing. Anyway, I was in such pain yesterday that I literally couldn't be Superwoman. I had no choice but to sit on the couch for most of the day, only getting up when I absolutely had to. So when Brian got home last night, I kept apologizing for the house being a wreck and dinner consisting of Tyson chicken nuggets. Of course he was understanding, but I felt like a failure. Pride, pride, pride.

Then this morning, I was scurrying around trying to get the girls in their Chrismas Sunday best and take pictures of them to show off to everyone (which never happened), plus get myself looking my Christmas Sunday best, when I guess I was going too fast down hardwood stairs in socks and. . . . PLOP PLING PLANG. . . I fell down an entire flight of stairs, bouncing once on my rear end (OUCH!!!) and once on my elbow (which now has a pitiful looking bruise.) I was once again delibitated, in the floor crying, feeling sorry for myself and worrying about Rosemary. All I could think was, I'll never make it through these next two weeks like this! Stomach issues, falling down stairs, having to pick up my 40 pound 2 year old all the time, trying to keep this baby inside and healthy until her due date. And I heard this still small voice. . . "Julie, you are not Superwoman. You cannot do it all. You HAVE to let go. I am in control. TRUST ME. REST in Me. RELY on Me, not yourself. You are right, you cannot make it through these next two weeks. Not without Me. Let Me help you, calm you, keep you."

Then I got to service this morning, expecting a nice little Christmas message, when I saw the sermon outline from Philippians 2 (okay God, I get it! You want me to read Philippians!) :) The title was "He humbled Himself." Bro. Jimmy said that we have to humble ourselves. "God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble." He said that when Jesus came to earth as a baby, He completely surrendered Himself to His Father's care. He trusted Him. He knew He was in the best hands. And we can know the same. Only when I surrender myself into His care the way Jesus did, will life ever work. It cannot be about me and what I can do. I HAVE to trust Him.

For today, I get it. I am not Superwoman. Please Lord let me remember it tomorrow. :)