Breastfeeding has been such a difficult thing for me in the past. It hasn't been my lack of milk supply, inverted nipples, or anything like that. It's been my impatience. I've noticed about myself that, after carrying a baby around for 9 months, when she's here, I'm mentally and emotionally ready to "bounce back" ASAP. It's not something I'm particularly proud of. I really wish I would just sit back, relax, enjoy the new baby, and "be in the moment" of new mommy. I need to slow down and let things naturally return to normal, instead of trying to do things like wear my size 4 jeans home from the hospital (why do I always think that will happen?) and be on a routine the next day. It's okay if it takes a few weeks to get in the "swing" of breastfeeding. It's okay if the house is a wreck and we aren't on a routine for a month. I've had to confess to God that it's a selfish thing, this wanting to hurry up and get back to my old self. I'm asking Him to help me slow down. It will be such a miraculous, wonderful, glorious gift to be able to bring a new baby home, and things will eventually get back into a rhythm. To try to rush that process and not relax and enjoy the moment of it would be ingratitude to God. I'm asking God for an extra dose of patience when Rosemary makes her arrival so that maybe this time I won't grow impatient and give up. I want so much to breastfeed. The few times I breastfed Maggie and Penelope were. . . indescribable. It was so fulfilling and beautiful. I just let the lack of sleep, the soreness, and the difficulty of it all, get the best of me. And I never want to give up on something just because it isn't easy. I think that's a pitiful excuse. "It's so hard." Don't they say that anything worth doing isn't easy?? If I can keep the goal in mind of giving my baby the best possible nutrition, maybe I can "push through" these inconveniences and impatiences until it becomes easier- naturally.
I gave up at 6 weeks with Maggie and only 1 week with Penelope. And honestly, I don't have guilt about that. Maggie and Penelope are both extremely healthy, strong little girls. They got fine nutrition from the good formula that's available these days. Breastfeeding does not make anyone a good mom, and not breastfeeding doesn't make them a bad one. It's just something I really feel in my heart that I should "keep on keepin on" and "try, try again". :)