Yesterday was a really, really tough day. Physically I was dealing with a low-grade fever and extreme fatigue. Every time I got up to do anything, the site of the blood clot would just throb. I just barely made it through a shower. Emotionally though was much worse. I was having an all-day pity party in my mind that I didn't share with anybody until the evening and when I did, it was the most inopportune time. Satan attacked me with the what-ifs, the you're-not-good-enoughs, and the this-mountain-is-too-highs all day long. It was so hard to tell the children they couldn't sit on mama's lap because it hurt. I meditated on how disgusting my body looked and how the daily injections were my lot in life for the next half a year. I wondered if I would even have the energy to give birth to Bethany when the time came. I wondered if Brian would be disgusted by the sight of my overweight body a month from now. And so on and so on until I almost exploded when Brian announced that he had been called to a job in Decatur that would take him away til the middle of the night. That's when I fell apart. It was over the phone, and I just lost it. I couldn't catch my breath because I was sobbing so uncontrollably. He was so sweet but he could only do so much over the phone. Truly, depression had set in. I let my in-laws who were here visiting put the kids in bed after enjoying a little chat with Allie- the only one who seemed to know how to uplift her Momma :)- and drifted off to sleep at some point, still in a deep fog of depression.
But then the morning came. I'm so glad for the morning. Part of today's reading was in Psalm 37 and part in Proverbs 17-18. Proverbs 17:22 says, "A merry heart does good, like medicine, but a broken spirit dries the bones." Proverbs 18:14 says, "A man's spirit will sustain him in sickness, but who can bear a broken spirit?" Those words just resonated with what I knew in my heart- that I could handle the physical stuff, but a broken spirit was going to ruin me. I needed the help of the Great Physician, who heals hurts and hearts and wins battles of the mind. I read a prayer in Praying Through the Promises of God that said, "I receive today's daily bread with thanksgiving and praise. I trust Your love and Your wisdom. I trust You to give me everything I need, when I need it and how I need it today. Amen." Then there it was, in Psalm 37:3, "FEED ON HIS FAITHFULNESS." I realized that no matter what my daily bread included, what I was really feeding on was His faithfulness. The coating of the manna may look like pain or worry or sickness, but it's still His faithfulness I'm to ingest. A few verses later it says, "Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him." This period of resting and waiting on Him for healing is part of the plan. It's what He's doing right now. A few verses later, "Do not fret; it only causes harm." Indeed. My fretting only causes harm. Recent medical studies have shown that worry, stress, and anxiety are bad for your health. God knew it way back at the beginning of time when He first made us and gave us instructions for life. Verse 18- "The Lord knows the way of the upright." Verse 23- "The steps of a good man are ordered by the Lord." Who am I to call myself upright and good? Only by the blood of Jesus- verse 39- "But the salvation of the righteous is FROM THE LORD (not myself); He is their strength in the time of trouble." I couldn't stop at Psalm 37 so I went on through Psalm 39 and found other truths to meditate on today- "Lord, all my desire is before You, and my sighing is not hidden from You." -Psalm 38:9 He knows my thoughts, my anxieties, my desires. He knows I want complete healing. He knows my fears. "Lord, make me to know my end, and what is the measure of my days, that I may know how frail I am. Indeed, You have made my days as handbreadths, and my age is as nothing before You. Certainly every man at his best state is but a vapor. Surely every man walks around like a shadow; Surely they busy themselves in vain." -Psalm 39:4-6. Here I have been wishing for the normal busyness of my days, and the Lord is telling me to rest and wait patiently. My days are numbered. Why would I spend them in busyness when He has something better for me?
Thank You Lord for the truth and comfort and healing that come from Your Word. Let it be my meditation all the day today.