Tired

I haven't written in awhile. It's not that I haven't had things, big, heavy, important things, whirling around in my mind, I just haven't had a chance to sit down long enough to type them all out.

I really want this blog to be a ministry, an encouragement to others out there in blogosphere. Honestly I just haven't had it in me to give in the last few weeks. It has literally been all I could do to survive each day.

Not any one terrible thing has happened. Life has just been overwhelming.

A month ago when Sam started losing weight, I decided to lay aside every other responsibility and just concentrate on literally nursing him back to health. I talked to lactation consultants, other mothers, doctors, and looked at everything online I could find about producing "whole milk" that would help him grow. After a month of sitting on the couch, eating lots of calories, consuming lots of water, taking supplements, and nursing him every hour at least, he gained about 2 ounces. So, we started supplementing. I noticed an immediate change as he started filling up his diapers more and looking less gaunt. He LOVED the bottle. Now, a week into supplementing, he definitely prefers it. It's quicker, there's more there, and he still gets to cuddle with mom. Over the past few days, I've brought him to the breast several times a day and through the night, but I have very little milk there. It's mainly for his comfort and my sanity. I'm not ready to completely give it up. He has continued sleeping with us at night, cuddled right up to my breast, which I'm not willing to give up just yet. I love that. I know the day will come very soon when he will go to his own bed. I'm savoring every moment. Every time he actually does get some of my milk to come out, I just say, "thank You, Lord, thank You, Lord, thank You, Lord."I don't take it for granted now. Breastfeeding is such a beautiful thing. I hate formula. . . .

And then I think of my friend Jennifer who lost her sweet baby boy Jude in the womb at 18 weeks, just last week. And I remember that I am blessed to be able to hold Samuel, to watch him breathe, see him grow. Whether we are breastfeeding or not. At least I have him here with me.

While I have been on the couch consumed with feeding Samuel, my house has become a complete disaster area. I'm not kidding. It's gross. WEEKS of laundry are piled up. Mostly clean, just not put away. The sticky floors reallllly need mopped. I could spend hours in each room just to get it liveable again. My house is most definitely at its worst. And I have no idea when I'm going to be able to catch up on it. This is way more than giving the children some chores or spending an hour dusting. Our home needs some serious TLC. It could take weeks to get caught up.

So consuming has the breastfeeding saga been that I am behind on practically everything. Lesson plans. Bill paying. Changing our closets out from summer to fall/winter clothes. I haven't been effectively training the younger ones since I've had my hands literally full with holding Samuel in just the right positions to nurse. I've let them get by with a lot, and they are pretty much out of control. I have got to get them back on a schedule, back under control.

Pretty much, life has been a blur since Samuel arrived. I haven't consistently cooked dinner for my family in months. I have no idea what's going on with most of my friends. That's where I am right now. I am beyond tired. I am fatigued. Mentally, emotionally, and physically.

BUT, I have made an effort this week to meet with God first thing in the morning every day. That too had gone by the wayside since mid-June. He has agreed with me in His still, small voice that life is indeed overwhelming for me right now, and that there is no way I can do everything I need to do in my own strength. "And He said unto me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.'" 2 Corinthians 12:9

I'm not sure what that looks like, for His strength to be made perfect in my weakness. But I am choosing, moment by moment, to trust that His grace really is sufficient and that when I am weak, then am I strong.